Swank Magazine

There are plenty of adult books and magazines on the market, and its amazing how big the industry is for this. A lot of people are against this sort of material, but my wife approves it, because I'm allowed to cheat with magazines. If I'm caught with another woman, however, the shotgun will be brought out and she's a crackshotwith any firearm. Movies are in vogue these days, whether they are purchased at an adult store, or watched online through the thousands of sites that offer this service. However, once in awhile I like to pick up a copy of Swank Magazine, because it is still relevant in today's media age. Its certainly a lot more visually appealing than the boring airbrushed pictures of sorta naked models, and while Swank doesn't have a recipes section, it does have plenty to offer.

Swank Magazine, which I jokingly refer to "Skank Magazine", has been published for years. I know its been around since I was a teenager, and its good to see its still out monthly, as I settle into old age with a trenchcoat and vaseline laden boots. Each issue is about 150 pages, although a lot of these are dedicated to advertisements for the newest toys and the outrageously priced phone sex lines. It's a lot cheaper to make out with one of those automated machines, that you always get when calling a business, than paying the $3.99 per minute fee of talking to some woman ironing her pants while babysitting the neighborhood children.

The price of each issue is expensive. You can get a Playboy for $5.99, but all you get is three layouts, along with some jokes and the previously mentioned recipes. For $11.99, you can pick up an issue of Swank, and its worth its weight in gold. The covers are hilarious enough, as there is usually one of the models featured in revealing clothing, with articles titled such as "Lauren shoves five fingers up her backdoor", and "Trixie Sucks Her Toes." This is certainly XXX material, and there's nothing tame about it, unlike the older publications that are so much "yesterday's news".

There are about ten feature section in each issue, and three of them are usually dedicated to some young stud having sex with an 18 or 19 year old woman. This is where I learned I'm hung like a toddler, and grossly underdeveloped, so I've now made adjustments on learning how to "trick f*ck". The women are really gorgeous, not some trashy bimbos that you see in other publications, that make you shudder when you think of them not wearing make up. I don't know where these women are from, but I'm liking it, as they are just absolutely beautiful. These pictorials involving men usually have several oral sex shots, as well as missionary, riding, and reverse cowgirl positions in heavy rotation.

Do you like lesbians? Take a trip to Lesbos with Swank Magazine. Each issue has two featured pictorials involving young ladies making out, and they are very graphic. There's no shame about putting a plastic toy up the rear hatch, or showing full penetration of the "manpower 5000" up the vertical smile. Each issue generally has a brunette and blonde "going at it, " and while I have no complaints about how it turns me on, or how the women look, I'd like to see a bit more diversity here with different ethnicities and hair color. Thankfully, the features do show some African-American and Latina women, so there's some variety there.

There are a few articles, but you won't learn about mixing the perfect martini, or what to wear with your blue leisure suit. Instead, you will be able to learn how pornstars work, or how to create a faux vagina with common household materials. I've had a lot of laughs from these, and have found it fascinating to learn how the porn industry that we know today, was developed primarily in the 1970's, just after the era of "free love."  Usually each issue has an interview with a pornstar, so you can learn more about the industry, and why I would never complain about working overtime. Those lucky bastards!

You can also learn about new movie releases. Sure, you aren't going to be able to see them at the local theater, which would be cool on that huge screen, but you'll be able to get them for your 55" LCD with the DVD player. The Porn Theater reviews give you the specs on each movie, with the name of the "actors" and "actresses", along with the running time. There are a few pictures to allow you to get a visual explanation of the "plot", as well as entice you to go down to the local store to pick up the hottest new releases. Their expertise is generally on the money, as based upon their recommendations, I've found some sizzling movies that are well worth their high prices.

There are a lot of ads in each issue, but this is a positive development. If ten sections of couples getting it on, spreadouts, and lesbian scenes aren't enough for you, consider looking in the back of the magazine. There must be an additional twenty pictures of naked women for phone sex ads, and they are great. A lot of undiscovered starlets are on these pages, and some of the ads do feature prominent porn stars such as Jenna Jameson and Tera Patrick. Yes, I know their names, which makes me a pervert!

This magazine isn't really "reading material" or "literature" by any means. That's what I like about it, as it is straight up graphic hardcore sex at its best. Some might say this is crude, but as human beings we are sexual creatures, and there's nothing better than a lot of pictures of this sort of activity. If you are squeamish about this, I would suggest something like Playboy or Penthouse Letters, because they are far more tame. However, as someone who was given the nickname "Walking Testicle", I have to say its the best of the best. There's more pictures in this magazine than any other, and even with its high monthly newsstand price, its well worth the money.